I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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