If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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