from now on my penis is your penis
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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