come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
