I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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