I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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