Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
