I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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