I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
