He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
