can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
