Need sex. Gaining weight.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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