OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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