Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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