At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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