Cold hands, warm shart.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
