she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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