Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
19 Groupies Confess What It’s Really Like To Hook Up With Famous Rockstars
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.