Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day