they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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