we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
The air taste purple.
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