I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
