wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
last night I used snow as a chaser
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
