This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Drake has all the answers
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
