PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
