Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
