I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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