so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
