I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
