I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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