I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
