Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
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He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
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Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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