Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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