mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
