Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
