So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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