After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
