new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
