i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
