she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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