im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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