did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Damn victory sex feels great
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize