I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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