yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
