Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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