Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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