My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
