smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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