Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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