My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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