I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
