I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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