I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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