If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
