i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
