mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
