The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Randomize
