it wasn't lemon gatorade
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
