Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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