omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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